Search:

Believing The Best - Staying Strong With Infertility

Beliefs appear at first like tiny inconsequential seeds casually planted in the soil. The potential however is for such seeds to grow beyond recognition and dominate the landscape.

A person may believe for example that they are no good at art.
Where does this come from? Maybe a single passing comment made by a teacher (twenty years ago !) Now deeply embedded and decided upon as truth.

This is then further reinforced by the individual looking for evidence of this truth. Other subjective proofs that the first belief is indeed right.

And here in lies one of the key points. Because from a coaching point of view the real question is not Ã¢ï¿½ï¿½is this belief right.

But rather is it working for you?

What paths might such a belief have closed off for you?

What experiences never ventured?

This subjective truth then has the ability to shut down a whole side to a persons personality.

To limit, rather than enable.

Such is also true in the realm of infertility.
I had a client who had , over time begun to see her body as faulty .This image was then further reinforced by being what the clinics referred to as a poor responder.( simply meaning she took longer, and needed more drugs to produce eggs. But eggs nevertheless !! )

After two cycles of IVF and not much feedback from her clinic she came to me believing it was her only option to move onto adoption.

However , during the session it became clear that this was a thought to not a want to move on because, as she saw it her chances were negligible.

We then used a fantastic and very simple technique for challenging beliefs that are leading to restricted behaviour

THE THREE QUESTION CHALLENGE.

IS THE BELIEF TRUE?

IS IT HELPFUL TO ME?

IS IT HELPFUL TO ANYONE ELSE?

With such emotive belief systems it is often worth taking a step back and challenging such presuppositions. So in this case the belief statement was

my body is faulty and keeps letting me down.

1) To what extent was this true? We looked at the facts, rather than the emotions of this statement

This was only her second attempt at IVF
Her FSH levels though high were not at panic levels
Though certainly a low egg yield , the eggs present were good enough to fertilise and create embryos.

There was therefore, POTENTIAL
The clinics lack of feedback did not necessarily indicate a negative overall prognosis
Her body had done the best it could in challenging situations

2) To move then onto part two of the process , such a limiting belief certainly wasnt helpful to her. It was moving her away from the facts of the situation and setting her on a limited and disenabling path.
Not only is she left with a limited outcome but the perpetuation of the myth that her body is faulty.

3) Thirdly then how does such a belief affect those around her?
To her partner it also limited their next steps, not just hers. Ultimately pushing them both down a route based on a deeply held belief rather than the objective facts.

Having used the three questions what do we do next? It is not enough to simply realise but to challenge and replace

What might be a more truthful and helpful self statement?

For example my body is faulty and has let me down could instead be replaced with:

My body worked really hard with me on this cycle , who knows what may happen next?

Now as with the old belief, the new one will almost certainly need time to take shape and grow . It will need constant reinforcing as well as looking for evidence to support it.

Evidence that actually her body does work well , and is stronger than she may have thought.

BUT, and this again is crucial,just as the previous belief is learned behaviour so too is this one.

Why is this so important ? Well for many people we are told/believe that we will always think and therefore act in a certain way. A leopard, cannot change his spots etc.

This though is surely the biggest belief of them all ! Think back for yourself right now on opinions that have changed. Ideas that have developed as you have grown older (and wiser!). They show us that we are not fixed but are able to adapt and progress.
They show us that beliefs can be changeable.

So to recap then

Challenge your thinking and self perceptions during the infertility process
Be aware that thoughts can enable or hinder
Be excited that you can , over time , change
Be willing to try
Use the three question technique
Play around with replacing statements to find one that works better for you
Actively look for the evidence to support your new belief
Persevere and commit to helping yourself

To return then to the session , what was the outcome for my client?

Well rather than go down a fixed route she chose to go onto another IVF because she actually wanted to.

In terms of challenging the old belief she chose to talk to the clinics rather than assume their response and found out that although a poor responder, her prognosis was still good for achieving pregnancy.

Whether or not she ends up with a baby she is now free to choose what paths to take and for how long.

Perhaps even more importantly she can give herself the credit she so richly deserves for being someone able to cope with the demands of IVF.

In her words to see herself not as a failure. But a success.