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Starting Over

STARTING OVER

Things You Need to Know Beginning Again:

• There are good men everywhere.
• If you feel soft rather than hard, that is good.
• You will pull to you what you are.
• If you want something different, you need to be something different.
• Without discipline, it is impossible to change.
• Rather than visualize the man of your dreams, feel what that feels like.
• Be open to getting a match for those feelings, regardless of the package.
• You can't talk yourself into chemistry no matter how much money he has.
• In all good relationships, people have fun.
• Don't make the same mistakes you made before.

"There Aren't Any Good Men Out There."

Good men are everywhere - there is no need to worry.

If the men you meet are not up to snuff, remember you have attracted them and you can just as easily walk away - you have the legs and you have the choice. Complaining never absolves you of responsibility but almost always keeps you from the "good men".

Even if you have to "admit" that you really don't mean it - and yes, there are some good ones out there - it is never smart to say this stuff anyway. Saying it reinforces your defenses and makes you a victim of some group that has no idea how you feel. When you go out into the world feeling this way, your thoughts actually enter a room before you and create a barrier between you and the good men. They can't see you and you can't see them.

I promise you - there really are good ones out there. They know they are good and will only be attracted to you if you can recognize who they are.

"I've Decided Never to Get Married Again."

If you've learned what you needed to learn from your last relationship - that it is you and not the institute of marriage that is responsible for creating your life - why should it make a difference whether or not you get married again? You will be fine regardless; it will not matter to you. If you are not going to make the same mistakes twice, why only marry once?

Making a decision to never marry again is always preceded by a chain of several other thoughts - I don't need anyone. Nothing lasts forever. Passion diminishes over time - this is the nonsense we tell ourselves to feel safe and protected. But these thoughts separate us from others and keep us isolated and alone.

Closing to the possibility of ever marrying again, you close to many other possibilities as well. When you are open to whatever comes your way - married, not married - you have made peace with your demons and are ready to move on.

You have just increased your odds for a really good life.

"If I Don't Expect Anything, I'll Never Be Disappointed."

It is one thing to be open to whatever comes down the pike and it is another to feel nothing ever will. When our emphasis is on not being disappointed, that fear colors all that we do and sets the arena for all that comes to us. If we are bitter because we have not gotten what we want, that bitterness pushes all sweetness away.

Being disappointed is always the result of not living in the present moment. It is about dwelling on the past and fanaticizing about the future - an idea you have in your head, a way you think things should be. It is impossible to not be disappointed when you have an agenda running.

Regardless of what happens (and it could be something new that just might be in your best interest), when you have a particular way you want things to be, you cannot see things as they really are and as a result, are not open to new possibilities.

Unless you are willing to stay present, you will never have something greater than what you have imagined.

"I Really Don't Need a Man. My Girlfriends Are Enough."

Is there anything wrong with having both a man and girlfriends in your life? The two are not mutually exclusive and when viewed correctly each contributes something different but equally important.

We often make this statement when we've expected the man in our life to be like our girlfriends - and then realize he is not. This is not the man's fault, but we blame him just the same. We think there is something wrong with him when he refuses to behave like our girlfriends.

But men are different than women, and if you are smart, you do not want them to be like your girlfriends. A man brings something uniquely male to a woman's life - a complimentary energy but a different one. A secure woman is not looking for an emotional clone, but rather a match for her feminine energy. She knows who she is and does not need a man to see things the same way she does. She enjoys the differences and delights in them.

A wise woman may not need a man, but she wants one.

"I Think Celibacy Is the Way to Go."

Deciding you want to be celibate is like taking "there aren't any good men out there" to the next level. You've just upped the ante and erected another wall to feeling connected. Unless you are a sex addict and need the discipline, why would you close yourself off from the possibility of meeting a man, liking him, having sex, and feeling good?

Celibacy only works, in a limited way, when it is true renunciation and not denial. It is so easy to be deceived. You tell yourself sex is overrated, distracting, and that there are other things more important. But if you are honest with yourself, you will admit that all this sex and intimacy stuff is confusing and that you don't do it very good. But "doing it good" takes practice and the only way you will every get better is to stay in the game.

Remember - feeling something is always better than feeling nothing.

Exercise 5: Spend the Weekend Alone. Do Not Make Any Plans.

The key is not only being alone, but also not planning your weekend even if you are.

Begin to get a sense of yourself, again, or perhaps for the first time. Splitting up takes it toll and there is no way not to get weary after a while. Unless you can begin to remember what you like to do, what makes you feel good, you can never even move on to something good and healthy.

Stay alone even if it's scary. Out of the scariness you will find out who you are, and that will give you the strength to begin again.

Reward 5: Have a Party! Celebrate Yourself!

You have just completed a very brave task and you deserve a party. Anyone who remembers her first night spent alone (and you did an entire weekend) will honor you at your party.

Remember, all women, if they are honest, can tell you a story about being alone. There is no shortcut to this process; no way to be alone without actually doing it, and no way to be brave, without first being scared. It is the same for us all, and anyone who tells you differently called a friend to lessen the intensity.

It always begins as a sad story, but it inevitably ends up joyful. Most importantly, you will never be the same. Having survived the night, you celebrate the day!

from TRASHtionalizations (How to Stop Believing Your Own Excuses and Have a Real Relationship) Copyright Chandra Alexander